N is for Nothing happens the way you expect

n-is-for-nothing-happens-etc

Just as a reminder: I’ve been having a terrible block lately when it comes to writing, so to get myself out of it I asked my friend Keira to make an alphabetical list of topics or words for me to work on to get me writing again.

Dear Mr. Yao of the Red Panda Cookie Company,

On the fifth of February I received one of your “Wise Dragon Deluxe” fortune cookies while dining at the Yum-Yum River Restaurant here in Cork City. I found it to be dry and tasting strangely of red lemonade and cigarettes. I don’t know if this was the taste your company had intended or if there was a mix-up on the production line but, frankly, I don’t care. The taste of your cookies is not what has driven me to pen this letter.

I am, in fact, taking issue with the fortune I received. It read “Nothing happens the way yuo [sic] expect”. At first I was dismayed at the typo but it is the larger consequences of this fortune that have moved me to correspondence. How accurate are these “fortunes” your company distributes in strange tasting savoury snacks? I ask because I am a man prone to meticulous planning. I work in the stationary retail business and am three years into a fifteen year plan designed to elevate me to the coveted position of district manager of a whole chain of stationary retail outlets with special responsibilities in pen and paper deployment. I have my ascension through the ranks carefully plotted, week by week, and until the evening of the fifth of this month I was assured of success. Now, having read the fortune supplied in your cookie, I don’t know what to think! If nothing happens the way I expect it to, I am forced to confront the possibility that I will not achieve the position of “district manager with special responsibilities in pen and paper deployment” in the time I have planned. At my darkest hour, it even occurred to me this may never happen at all, but that is an outcome I have banished from my mind as it makes me physically ill. Who, Mr. Yao of the Red Panda Cookie Company, do you think you are, sending out fortunes into the world that have the power to upset people so?

The night I received your fortune cookie happened to be my second date with a Ms. Laura Maher. I would not normally include such a personal detail in a letter like this but it so happens that I’ve already timetabled the rest of our lives together. I won’t bore you with the details, but I’ve pencilled in three more years of courting, followed by a summer wedding and our first of eight children will be born the following spring. Obviously, I have yet to reveal these plans to Laura as we’ve only had two dates and a mid-afternoon coffee. I was hoping to share them with her on our third date but this fortune cookie has thrown something of a spanner in those works. How can I expect to present her with an accurate and thorough plan for our long future together if I can’t even be certain that everything will turn out as I expect it to? This is my first relationship with a woman and I don’t want to ruin it with poor planning.

I want to assure you, Mr. Yao, that at this moment I am not seeking expensive compensation. All I ask is that you and your company issue a reassurance that things do happen as one might expect. I would like this to come in the form of another fortune cookie. Please make sure it is spelled correctly this time. If at all possible, I would also like it to have an appropriate cookie flavour. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours expectantly,

Steven Ormond Esq.

P.S. I do not feel that Comic Sans is an appropriate font to use on fortunes that have the ability to change the course of a persons life. Perhaps Georgia or Times would be more appropriate.

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5 thoughts on “N is for Nothing happens the way you expect

    • Oh no, busted! Luckily though, it wasn’t me that was berating Mr. Yao, it was the fictional character of Steven Ormond so I’m going to blame the spelling mistake on him and say it’s a character flaw of his. Gives him depth and realism. Or something.

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